How to prepare oneself for the loss of a dear one; especially when one watches helplessly the dear one consumed by a terminal illness?

How to prepare oneself for the loss of a dear one; especially when one watches helplessly the dear one consumed by a terminal illness? Prof. B.L.Handoo

Steve Stokes wrote:
Not sure I can help you with this one, Prof Handoo. That we die is an ugly truth. The denial of human mortality is not an altogether unexpected response. Much is said about how we handle life, in the way that we handle death.

You have my sympathies as you face this tragic event. My thoughts are with you.
Norm Yerke wrote:

Prof, complete abandonment to the Will of God...St. Augustine said "Nothing, occurs by chance in the whole course of our life. God overrules all." If we allow these words to penetrate into the depths of our souls, we will never regard what comes to us from God's hands as hurtful.

No one loves us more than God does, therefore he would never send us anything that is evil....

Another quote from this book:
ABANDONMENT TO DIVINE PROVIDENCE

"The terrors we meet on our journey are really nothing. They are sent only so that our lives may be made more splendid by our overcoming them. God involves us in every kind of trouble, and ordinary human common sense, seeing no way out of it, realizes all its weakness and shortcoming and feels completely baffled. It is at this moment that God appears in all his glory to those who belong wholly to him and disentangles them from all their troubles far more easily than novelists, working away in the peace of their rooms, extricate their heroes from all their dangers and bring them to a happy and successful end. With far greater skill and most happily does God lead them through deadly perils, monstrous happenings, through hell itself and its demons and all their snares. He sweeps these souls up to heaven and transforms them into the heroes of stories far stranger and more lovely than any invented by the stunted imaginings of men. So, my soul, plunge ahead, sweeping through all the monster plagued dangers ahead, knowing that you are guided and sustained by the mighty, yet invisible, hand of God. Let us carry on to the end without the slightest tremor of fear, but full of peace and joy, with everything that befalls us becoming the occasion for fresh triumphs. We march under God’s banner to fight and to conquer: “He went from victory to victory” (Rev. 6.2). Every step we take under his command is a victory. God has his pen and an open book before him, and in this book he writes a blessed story which will end only when the world ends. For it is an account of God’s dealings with men and women. If we want to have a place in this story, we must ensure that we link all we do and suffer with God’s will. I most solemnly assure you that all your actions and sufferings are not meant to destroy you. They serve to help to fill this holy book of God, which grows every day."

Hope this helps.....


Eric Van Wetering wrote:

... my father in law died a number of years ago ... what I tried is to give my wive all the time possible to spend with her father ... we had very small kids then ... and I worked as a consultant (long hours) ...

practical maybe but it gives the people who need it most the 'space and freedom' to decide what's best ... and to do what's best ...

other point of course is to be there for them ...

Michael Modes wrote:
Been there twice. Watching the suffering is the worst part. That's what eats you up. You are ready for the end if it goes long enough. In my case.

It was my parents in my case though. My whole life ahead of me, despite tragedy, youthful resilience. Were it my spouse or my child at a later age, I can't imagine. Torment.

Someone who loses someone suddenly? That would be harder in terms of acceptance. Healthy today gone tomorrow is much harder, I would guess.

My sympathies.

You may find that comforting others who come to comfort you helps. I was almost embarrassed by the awkward sympathy. Putting others at ease helped me handle it and take some of the hurt off myself.

Everyone reacts differently. Hope that helps.
Marc Estrella wrote:

I really don't know.

I hope the link below helps.

Links:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=691855

Kevin Harville wrote:
One thing I find is that the effects of ones life go far beyond themselves, and in a sense we are all one super-organism. The best we can do is love. And for whatever reason, to play this game of life for a few rounds is a better choice than hanging out in a state of Nirvana or Heaven doing nothing, learning nothing, and meaning nothing. We are leaves on a tree, here for a season and gone the next, preparing the way for the next season's leaves and the ongoing growth of the tree.

Time is just our perception. You know New York exists, even when you are not there. Similarly, all those moments that occured are real. They simply are not being experienced by you at this moment.

Bad things are not an interruption of life. They are life. And because bad things happen and life adapts, we exist as ever greater beings, living, learning, and loving--instead of remaining primordial unevolving amoebas.

My body is not the same one I had 7 years ago. Nearly every cell has died and been replaced. It is the same with humanity. The process of life has no true barriers. The dinosaurs are our great....great....grandparents, sending living DNA through us all without cessation or interruption--we are the same life force as them and each other. It is like a relay race--but the baton is the same, and the race is one race.

So, in short, this life is and will always be an important part of the universe, important to life just as each individual step is necessary to a staircase, each seemingly insignificant or meaningless till you realize each is a step up to the 100th floor.

I think our role here is to accept the wonders of life just as they are and to love it and others as important parts of creation, however brief each beautiful spark of consciousness remains. Your loved one is an important part of the universe.

Given the choice of existence or nonexistence altogether, God or the universe chose existence. I can see why, and given the choice of the universe existing with pain so we may grow and learn and experience, or not existing, I would choose it just the way the decisionmaker did.

We are all just different parts of the universe, and all life, however long or brief, is one step in a miraculous creation there to love and be loved, even to all be eventually missed and grieved, and to be shown concern and care.

I wish you all the best.

Kevin


Sandy Klocinski wrote:
My mother in law was unable to eat for more than a year before she died. Since she was still in possession of her mental faculties we allowed her to make a choice to either have a feeding tube and live a while longer or to die in short order. By the end she was nothing but skin and bones. I think that those of us in the family were actually more relieved when she died than anything. Not because it was a burden caring for her but it was obvious that she was very tired and ready to go. If I were to be given the choice she were given, I believe that I would choose to let go rather than to starve slowly


Kelly Karius wrote:
Hello Professor,
My dad died of lung cancer in 2006. You'll get tons of advice for this question. Some will work, some will not, it's so very individual.
My short advice is to hold tight to all the moments. Even the ones at the end will help a person later, no matter how dreadful they seem at the time.
That's it.
Keep well if this questions refers to yourself!
Kelly

Links:
http://www.kellykarius.com

Indira Chaudhry wrote:
Just be BRAVE and HOPE the end is peaceful....

On 4/1/09 3:46 AM, Indira Chaudhry added the following clarification:
Death is certain..in most of such cases...so one has to take heart and be courageous....at the same time not to show the ill person your own sad emotions.....which may depress them further...

Also cherish each moment spent with the terminally ill...for later all you may have is their memory....

Rodica Petrescu wrote:
Dear Professor,

Perhaps it is not the most intelligent thing to say... I went through a loss and since then I thought it would be easier to go first than stay behind.

I believe that one who stays behind has to be stronger that the one who dies. It is in the order of things to be tasked with things that one can endure. If the order was reversed, the dying one would probably not be able to bear the sufferance of surviving. That is, I believe, the meaning of staying behind: to spare the loved one this sufferance.

Rodica

Roberta Weiss wrote:
I sincerely hope you are not facing this event yourself. I don't think you can prepare yourself for this kind of experience. It is terribly emotionally draining, sad and depressing. However, you can often find support to help youself get through this terrible time.

1) In the US the hospice system provides care to patients and their families when afflicted by terminal illness. The hospice caregivers are skilled in helping families and patients deal as contructively as possible with these situations, aqnd most doctors can put patients and their families in touch with hospice care.

2) Often there are patient and family support organizations for patients with terminal illnesses. Members of these support groups help each other by sharing experiences and advice for dealing with terminal illnesses. Often relatives of patients who have died have their own support groups that get together and provide support following death. You can often find out about these help groups by googling the disease online. Your doctor may also have this information.

3) Some patients and families seek out psychiatric or psychological treatment to help with the pain of impending loss. Even though depression one feels over the death (or impending death) or oneself or a loved one is a reactive depression, antidepressive medications are often helpful. psychiatrists or other behavioural therapists can help families come to teerms with coming death and resolve family issues in order to help relieve family stress at this time. Your doctor or frieds may be able to provide some referrals if this is a problem.

4) Talk openly with the patient's doctor and let them know what your concerns are and what is important to you and the patient. Make sure that you and the patient understand what the doctor can offer in terms of palliative care, including pain relief. Let other close family members know what is going on (often it is helpful to have a family meeting with the doctors so that everyone gets a chance to ask questions) so you can all be comfortable with the medical choices made.

5) Be kind to yourself. Eat. Sleep (if this is a problem talk to your doctor- she/he may be able to help). Give yourself time to deal with your own feelings over the impending death. Let colleagues know what is going on so that they will not be surprised if you need to take time off for an emergency doctor visit with the patient. Try to minimize other stresses in your life (not a good time to start a new diet). Let your good friends help support you through this time by visiting, staying with the patient while you get out for a few hours to regroup. Try to keep doing some things that both you and the patient enjoy as long as possible- even if it is something like listening to music.

Hope this helps,

Roberta

Madhu Sameer wrote:
My deepest sympathies.....

Something that helps me cope is the thought that wanting an ill loved one to stay alive in the discomfort is born of my own need and insecurity. Perhaps there is a better world out there for them, where suffering is minimized for them. Holding them back for my own benefit, because I hurt, or because I am not prepared to let go, feels self serving. We THINK our anguish comes because we want them to live, but really we only want to prevent ourself from being hurt.

Let the caterpillar turn into a beautiful butterfly and fly away to a higher level of existence....let go of the attachment......what would YOU have liked to do if it were you? Linger in pain, struggling against the currents of life, or go with the flow into a place that may be more blissful...?

May you find the strength to do (and endure) the right thing...

Susan Shwartz PhD wrote:
Both of my parents are gone. I was not there when my father passed: it was unexpected. I was with my mother when she died, ill and old and, as I gathered, ready to go.

In a way, you can't prepare yourself for this. The hurt is unbelievable. In other ways, you can make yourself better able to bear it. Don't be alone all of the time. Give yourself time to rest, to walk, to eat, to wash. Make sure, if you can, that there are people to mediate between you and well-meaning people. Don't set any requirements or expectations for yourself: this is hard enough without there being one right, or wrong way to behave.

You are helpless to turn back the clock or the devastation of illness. You are not powerless to act. If your loved one is conscious and coherent, you can talk. You can listen. You can hold the person's hand. When you're not with the person, you can begin to set things in order.

What I found consoling was the sense that this is a thing that is common to humanity and that I was doing everything that I could and making certain my mother had what she needed and that her wishes were carried out to the letter.

Don't let anyone tell you anything else, or that you did things wrong. It is your loved one. You simply have to get through it. Style points aren't an issue.

Good luck. If you are a person of faith, that helps. If you aren't, bring your reason to bear. It will never go away. It will diminish in size.

shipra yadav wrote:
Dear Sir,

Just try to live every moment with that one so that whenever we close our eyes we can see that person smiling, laughing and thanking GOD for whatever having even at the end of the journey.
Take whatever u wanna take and Give whatever you can.
We have to, then why to choose a sad way like no other option why not a far better way to convert that great loss to loss and let that person live life like it is given only once live it fullest.

If we can't save life at least we can give best ever lasting moments with the happiness we gave and let that one forget pain for some moments.

Sit n Think about the pain he/she suffering from, its not curable, only one way, the moment we can't even dare to think but for him/her this is the only cure and we have to make up our mind. ya we can lessen that and we did (as i said above)

One should live with smile in our eyes not with tears

Private Note:
Sir,

I m not as experienced as you are, i have seen few such losses in my own family, these are my own ways to prepare for worst moments of life, we can't think of life after this so it should be full of good memories and a satisfaction "i lived however i desired, if not then i don't have any regret "

Regards

John Covey wrote:
The simple yet harsh truth is that you cannot prepare. And after experiencing both I’m not really sure which one is the worse; a slow lingering death, or a quick unexpected one.

I do not know why the nature of the universe is such that we are born only to die. There are some philosophies that say the moment we are born is the moment we begin to die. We each have a defined time that we will be here, and no one really knows when that time will end. This is the way this world was made, and it may well be that it’s also the nature of the universe that we are never to fully understand this.

This is of little comfort as we stand by with someone we know will depart from us soon. The helplessness that we feel wears on us constantly. It is an unwelcome guest in everything that we do. And more importantly, this fear, helplessness, and sadness is the very thing that robs us of the precious few moments we may have left with those who we love.

As I’ve become older, and as the time has grown from the moment when my Parents had to journey on, I’ve come to appreciate more and more the simple wisdom that they tried to impart upon me. My Mother often would say a simple prayer at times like this; “Lord, Thy Ocean is so vast, and my boat is so small”. This simple prayer allowed her to give to God those bad feelings, pray for strength, and search for ways to be an instrument of peace in the family. All by just acknowledging how overwhelmed it made her feel, that God was in command (not her), and by recognizing that it wasn’t about God giving her strength, but providing this time as an opportunity to be strong. And believe me, she almost always was.

Regardless of what you believe, how you believe in it, or to whom you pray, there definitely is a greater power and a higher source in the world. By letting go of the emotions that block us, we have an opportunity to tap into that power. But it’s not like plugging into a light socket. We can’t just turn it on and off when we want to. We have to live the moments, even the bad ones, and let it happen to us. There is no school for it, no handbook, and no grades. But it is a test; and in many ways that test never ends.

Time and distance will help. It is a slow process, and often we make headway only to be pushed back even further than where we feel that we’ve started. But know too that others are watching you to see how to act themselves. By doing your best to be strong, and trying to act as an instrument of peace for them, you can significantly impact others around you in the same way that your loved one impacted you in the first place. And in the process you may find peace and grace in that difficult moment and time.

Please feel free to contact me if I can be of any assistance. By thoughts and prayers are with you.

Karen Opas-Lanouette wrote:
There is no way to 'prepare' yourself. You simply do the best you can to help your loved one during the process, whatever that may be. If you have a religious background, I presume that turning to your faith may help. If, like me, you ascribe to "Life isn't fair, it's random," then you try and see what is good in the world, small and large, and share it with your loved one.

Lee Joyner wrote:
To be fully prepared I do not believe is possible. As many have already said, embrace the moments beside your dear one. If you are able to talk with your dear one, share memories together. If you cannot talk with them, share memories with others. The memories will grow sweeter and fonder as time passes. If there is any issues that have not been settled, this is the time to settle those. Ask for forgiveness, grant forgiveness even for small or perceived wrongs. This makes the transition easier for all involved.

I would suggest finding someone who is not emotionally attached, whom you can share your feelings with. They don't have to have answers, just be available to listen as you unload some of the burden you carry.

Hope ;this helps some.

Private Note:
I have served as a chaplain for hospice for almost 4 years. This is the primary work I did was to help patient and family find ways to be better prepared for the final moment in this life for the patient. Having someone to walk beside you is a tremendous help.

M. Joyce McMenamin wrote:
I have been blessed in that nobody close to me has withered away from a terminal illness... which is incredible given the fact that my mother came from a very large family and my father came from a medium sized one.

People in my family have typically died from old age and many seem to have gone quickly (overall) - no nursing homes or life support needed (Thank God!)

I have, however, had several employees and a few co-workers over the years who have (a) died this way or (b) dealt with long term death of a loved one... so I still feel as though I have been touched by the process.


All I can tell you is that I have stood in awe of the bravery and strength of those who have experienced the process first or second hand and those few days, or weeks or months that are part & parcel to the 'waiting' period are really small gifts of precious time for preparation for the dying and the ones that loved them.

I think the best prep is to not leave anything left unsaid or undone.

One of the saddest moments I saw in someone's life was at the memorial for my former mother-in-law. One of her friends wept after the service because he remembered a time when she wanted him to take her to Paris for dinner (from San Fran) -- after her death his pain was living with the fact that he could have and didn't (she had asked when nobody knew she was dying).

Don't wait until someone is dying to do what you can to make their life happier. We never know when the next request will be the last one. If we can follow through, we should.

Annette Hope Brewster wrote:

Prof, you will never loose your memories; nor are you "watching helplessly" as you claim.

Your will to live, is to remain positive, your friend or loved one is feeding off your energy -- its your choice to give positive or negative energy to the person enduring this terminal illness.

Pitty no one but yourself for the choice you make enduring this walk of life -- learn from this walk so the next time you are in this equal situation you will walk with dignity, rather than pain.

We all endure grievence, however, why grieve when one is still alive?

Private Note:
I am suffering a terminal illness, and if anyone close to me is negative I walk away -- I am sharing with you my attitude to not let this disease kill me -- others have done the same -- Lance Armstrong to mention one that has kept me on my toes...good luck and please stay strong, stay positive and encouraging to those that are suffering -- it does help ease our pain.

chenbagam pillai wrote:
We attend the funeral of our close kith and kin. Why?

It is not just simplyto show our respect and our affection.

Cremation ground is the learning center for understanding the real life. If we can understand the real concept of life, then we need not worry about our and others death.

Dana Tierney wrote:
I don't think you can.

What I want to say to you though is that this is incredibly difficult for you and much harder for the person dying. So for now it is important to be strong and to help that person to go in dignity and in peace. Afterwards there will be tasks that need doing, and these will help.

I wrote poetry, some profound, some not. But perhaps something of the kind will help you too. The color does slowly return to life. There were objects that I kept for years, and conversations years later; these helped too.

I doubt your dear one wants you to eschew your own life to mourn. It is important to remember that

Christine Gottschalk Barlow CPCU wrote:
Do what's best for both of you; keep the ill person comfortable, talk, cry, whatever you need to do, even if it sounds silly. Laugh at what you can, even the illness itself; it helps take the edge off. Take advantage of every good moment, and try not to focus on the end. Have frank discussions with the doctors, ask every question you can. A good supportive doctor is worth his weight in diamonds.
Read Strong at the Broken Places by Richard M. Cohen - book about 5 folks with seriously chronic illnesses and how they coped. You may find it helps you feel less alone.